This is completely different post from what I do usually, but I just feel that I need to express my feelings about what is happening with me right now.
I didn't mention it very much even here, in my blog, but for something like 1,5 years I had a boyfriend. We met at the university, started dating on our first year, when we knew each other for about half a year. It was like a fairy-tale, I was completely in love and nothing could ever darken my life. But, after three moths, things changed. I've met another guy. He was also from my university, we knew each other before but never talked privately. That was the weekend a group of students from my faculty spent at Saint-Petersburg. It happened somehow that we spent the whole night talking, he is really a great guy, we are still friends, but that time I thought that I like him.
I couldn't ever lie to my boyfriend, so we broke up the first time. As he said later, he was totally destroyed and tried to suicide. I didn't have anything with that guy, but also I felt not really bad. That was summer, so me and my ex-boyfriend didn't meet each other.
The next year of study started (I have to mention that me and my ex-boyfriend are in the same study group so we meet each other quite often). Somehow my feelings came back, I understood that there he is - the guy I love. I felt like I know he still loves me, and wished we can turn everything back. And this happened - we were happy again, together.
But from this point nothing was ever the same again. Somehow I felt like he couldn't believe we are together again. He became hysterical literally every other day, I had to prove that here I am, with him and I love him. That was quite hard time, and finally I got tired of it. I broke up with him again, after about two months.
Time passed and at 8th of March of that year (my second year of study) this happened again - you may laugh, but somehow we were together again. This time it lasted quite long, about 8 months or so. We had problems, like every other couple, but, anyway, I felt really nice being with him. That was last New Year - I went to Dubna with my family, and everything changed there again. I understood that I feel like this is not a person I want to spend the whole life with. I didn't tell anything from the very beginning, didn't tell that I had such thoughts, but he still felt it I guess. Things started getting worse.
But there was something new this time. Before that I knew he suffered, but usually it never touched me, as I said I have never felt that bad after our break-ups. That time he started be annoying. He could sit nearby at the lesson and talk with me, wherever I wanted it or not. When I told him that I'm at the lesson he said "But this is because of you I can't study, because you are torturing me".
He started calling me ten times every day. I tried to calm him down although I knew what I felt that time. Maybe, if he gave me a rest everything could get better. But he didn't.
I spent whole hours talking to him every day. I tried, but I finally became exhausted. There was some point after what I didn't care what would be with that relationship again.
And things got worse and worse. He started calling me more and more, and said like "Now I'm at the top roof of the building, and I'm going to jump". I have never believed him, but, trust me, it is very scary when anybody says something like this to you. I was the reason for all his fails, I was the reason why he felt bad, why he changed so much from the person I knew - this is what he said.
I live in a dorm and he could come to it, there were situations when I closed in there and didn't let him come in. Once my roommate came (she didn't know what was happening), he came in and went straight to the window and said he will jump (I live at 14th floor). I was so scared... I literally threw him back from it. There were situations when I asked my roommate and her boyfriend to come to our room because only when there were other people around he was more or less calm.
I was exhausted and emptied. He was some kind of an energetic vampire, I've never been so depressed for my whole life.
He wrote to all my friends and all his friends, how much does he love me, and what a bad person I am to do such things with him. Like I've created my own Frankenstein.
And finally there was a culmination of our story. That was a night before the Physicist's Day (I've told you about it
here). I spent this night on a faculty, cause I had a lot of work to do. And he came as well, unfortunately. He started from his "usual" thing like calling me and saying "Yana, I'm in the window right now, come here or I will jump". I didn't. I asked another people to go there and ask him to come back (I didn't tell what was happening, not very many people really knew the whole story). After he started holding me. He wanted to talk, so just stopped me up at any corner so I couldn't free. People were passing, but they didn't know what was really happening. And he is much higher than me and wheights more. I had no other option but running to people where he was more or less still. Now I ask myself why didn't I ask other people for help? I just always keep my emotions shut, so I thought I can rule the situation.
That night situation got worse and worse. He started really applying his power to me and holding me with hands. He is much stronger, I had no way to free myself. I was fighting like I never did before. I bit him, I scratched him. I was lying at the ground having a fit of hysterics. To "calm" me down he bit we very hard, I had a huge bruise on my left hand. You can see a mark of it on my left hand on this photo (it was almost gone when this photo was taken).
I was amazingly angry like I never was before. And I hit him on his head. I really didn't want it, I just didn't realize what I was doing. He fell unconsious. If you have never seen a person suddenly falling down, you won't understand how scary it is. I thought he may die.
He came around, and was more or less ok. But I wasn't. I never meant to hurt him that much, and I had more hysterics again. A friend of mine who fortunately was at the faculty was calming me down for about half an hour. As you may understand, that was happening the whole night, I needed some sleep before the serious day. But I had troubles with him.
I tried to go to have at least an hour of sleep at my dorm, I've asked a few people which were still at the faculty to keep him. But they didn't understand how serious the situation was. He followed me again, which was auwful, and he didn't feel himself good, but he still tried like a maniac. I got away from him, and it was the last time I ever talked to him. And after THAT night he tried to talk to me like nothing ever happened! Like "Yana, why don't you say hi to me?"
I was mentally destroyed. But I've finally managed myself not to feel sorry for him but
to take care of my own nerves. He still tried to connect with me, he told that it is my fault that he can't pass his exams, but I didn't care anymore.
I remember how, when I came back from Germany, my friend Julia told me that now I smile finally, like a normal happy person.
He found himself another girlfriend and seemed happy. I thought that finally we are all done with our story. And today his girlfriend connected me. She wants to break up with him, but seems like he does all the same he did when we broke up. He lost almost all his friends because of everyday stories about his hurt heart.
I told her the whole story I told you. I don't want any person to experience the story I did.
I don't know why I decided to put it onto my blog, I just want other people to never make my mistakes. Sometimes people seem to be normal, but they may be aren't. In such a situation, please, take care only of yourself. It is not your fault anymore.
Things will pass, and everyone will calm down. I'm now alone for more than half a year, and still not ready to date any guy. I'm really scared and can't trust anyone, but I know that I will meet than one and unique person. Maybe I even did already.
Everything's gonna be fine!
